Someone shit on the floor
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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