dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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