Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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