did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
