Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
