just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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