there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
