i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
