OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
