His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
