We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
