i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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