I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
