if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I am spending my child support on dildos
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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