I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
my poor anus
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
