Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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