You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize