Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
