I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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