I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
