So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
