i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
