Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
