I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
