I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
