Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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