dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
