I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
