Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
