I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
