Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
