I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
