She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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