So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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