Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
