That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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