If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
