let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
