Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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