I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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