yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
