i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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