Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
