Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
