he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
