the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
