Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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