I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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