She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
