And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize