I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
