you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
