You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's rum buckets o'clock
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