I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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