Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
