he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We need to get me chipped asap
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
