Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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