Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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