1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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