Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
