bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
