I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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